took a couple pics of my babies today and had to share. charlotte's the white one, looking somewhat innocent, and syd's the grey one, looking as grumpy as ever.

in case you're wondering - and you'll need to read the blog right before this one to get it - i did it. i placed both orders and am now fully in.

suddenly i'm finding myself in business.

am not really sure how it happened. all i know is that i'm finding myself placing another order for mats, mount boards and frames for my upcoming art show on april 12 (email me at laura@laurakinker.com if you want an invite!) and realizing that i'm investing a ton of money in what essentially is inventory. i barely remember my thought process when i ordered the first patch of photos, mats and mount boards except that it was a bit of an investment for me and was very scary. what i don't remember (exactly) is what i intended to do with the 260 photos i ordered. it seemed like a good idea at the time.

and now i have this art show on the very near horizon - one i decided to initiate on a whim - and now find myself ordering MORE photos, mats, mount boards AND frames to help fill the show out and make it successful.

am i nuts or what?

so i'm sitting here (again), contemplating hitting the order button for the new batch of mats, mount boards and frames and asking myself WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? it's like i'm either all in or i'm all out.

hitting the order button will put me into a whole new level of business. it will be more than a bit of fun. it will catapult me into registering for art shows, buying a 10 x 10 white canopy tent, figuring out the best way to display my photos at the shows, and learning how to run a legitimate business complete with paying sales tax. this will be a whole new level for me. one i didn't even contemplate a couple months ago. it's all a little crazy.

the more real this all becomes, the more nervous I get. I feel like I’m FINALLY moving towards something real and tangible and it’s all very surreal. but at the same time I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. sitting here in the kitchen nook, overlooking the alley and the cottage-like walk-ups behind us, I’m feeling more like that kid who lived at home and felt all secure and cozy and knowing. very comfortable. but uncomfortable at the same time. like on the verge. it’s excitement mixed in with apprehension mixed in with hope mixed in with fear. a lot going on at once. but I’m still trudging through it, pushing forward, and feel like I’m starting to make great headway. and that’s very intoxicating. i see a lot of opportunities opening up. a lot of directions to explore. and I’m loving that! one step at a time. I keep reminding me that it only takes one step at a time.

ok, here i go. i'm diving into the deep end. or so it seems.

am getting ready to put in a BIG order for mats, poly bags and backboards from redimat.com and i am so nervous. it's the most money i've spent in one lump sum in a long time. i already ordered my photos which, ironically, are a lot less expensive than all the stuff i need to make them look presentable.

this is what i want - to have a start-up collection of photos to sell - but part of me is wondering if i'm thinking too small (although this is the smaller part of me) and i should be ordering in greater quantity to reduce per piece cost. another part of me is wondering if any of this makes sense at all and what will i do with 230 photos if they don't sell? the good thing is that if the photo itself doesn't sell, i can always swap it with one that does.

my collection is a bit overwhelming, even to me. i didn't stick with only 15 photos (my original intention) but instead printed over 100 different photos (all 4 x 6 so pretty economical) just to test the waters to see what people like and what people don't like. i ordered extras of the ones i really like along with bigger prints (8 x 10s, 11 x 14s and one 16 x 20 to test the print quality). i'm not planning to frame any of them at the moment but that's always an option.

here i am about to push "checkout" and am surprised by the nerves that have come up for this moment. why should it be so scary? sure, if it doesn't work i'm out a bit of money - money i could be investing in other areas (and i'm not talking about clothes or fine dining but software) - but i have to have some sort of faith that this is what i'm supposed to be doing and that it will all work out. talk about leaping!!

isn't it interesting that when you want things to change that it's you that has to change? like one wise person said long ago (and many since then) that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. yet how many of us are guilty of doing that? i know i am.

i've been dealing with plantar fasciitis (a pulled muscle arch) for almost a year now and although have been trying a bunch of different things to try to permanently correct it, like always wearing shoes, getting several cortisone shots (very painful!) and icing it, it will not go away.

well, as a last resort before doing something more drastic like surgery, i've decided to stay 100% off that foot for three full days and see what happens.

as i've been hobbling around my apartment, and resenting feeling stuck inside despite the chilly weather, i'm realizing that i'm having to change my behavior in order to change my condition. go figure. even though i had made small changes before, i wasn't willing to stay off my foot - really the main thing that would help the arch heal. but i really fought that. for a year i fought it. i could not sit still for more than a few hours at a time before i "had" to walk on it. we even bought crutches several months ago but today is the first day i'm making full use of them. i've also been using my office chair on wheels as a make-shift wheel chair. is much easier than the crutches and you can actually carry stuff around, too. and, thank GOD, we have hardwood floors. i've kicked all the rugs to the side.

but it's finally hitting me that i have the control to change my condition by changing my behavior. even though i always knew this (and even coach people on this), it's like a lightening bolt to me today. wow. imaging what i else i could change by changing my behavior. i could finally shed the pounds i've gained by being practically immobile the past year (and also eating like crap). i could put my photography out there (as in print it up, mat it, frame it and actually go to the streets and art fairs to sell it). i can do just about anything. i just have to change the way i'm doing it (if it's something i've already tried doing) or simply start it if it's something new.

it's all very empowering. will be interesting to see where all this leads me.

i get overwhelmed easily. at least it seems that way lately. i have so much going on - and each piece pushing me way outside my comfort zone and into uncharted territory. and of course i expect myself to simply sail right on through it with ease. and this is where the real issues come up because i'm not sailing through it with ease. it's all very confusing and sometimes disorienting and it feels like i have too much going on at once (which is probably true).

i started rereading chapter seven in tama keives' this time i dance! book since i'm hosting a book group to discuss it on thursday. it always amazes me how i seem to hear exactly what i need to hear exactly when i need to hear it. well, to no real surprise, this chapter is all about allowing yourself to start small and to be a beginner. so many of us rush to be just like whatever master or mentor we admire - beating ourselves up in the meantime for not being that great instantaneously and often times holding ourselves back from even trying. because if we can't be great and one if the best, why do it at all? sound familiar?

well, as i'm sitting here feeling all overwhelmed because i'm about 10 years behind on the latest website development software and skills, and 10 years feeling more like 1000 years due to the tremendous changes and advances made each and every minute (it seems), i'm realizing that there's very good reasons for my feeling totally inadequate. after all, i'm using software that's almost 10 years old, trying to perform up the latest technological standards (which i'm quickly finding is nearly impossible unless i want to handcode everything, and that also being in a whole new language that i've yet to learn). it's like trying to ride a bicycle in the indie 500. and win. nearly impossible. and very very frustrating.

i'm starting to come to the realization that it's not me that's defective (or inadequate or whatever) but my tools and probably my skill level at this point. i've always been one to learn as go, having self-taught myself on so many things including web design (in the mid-90s) and graphic design and photography. i'm realizing that i need to relax (priority number one!!) and let myself start from square one. let myself be the beginner at this since so much has changed. and let it be ok to be where i am right now.

am listening to the smiths – how soon is now – which in its own way is delightfully distracting. totally reminds me of college and all the angst that went along with it.

am somehow working my butt off – totally multi-tasking. trying to figure out what I need to do to legitimately sell my photos at art shows (all the tax stuff and licensing and it’s all so confusing) while working on a web design project (and trying to learn all the new css stuff that goes with that) while trying to figure out how much money I need to actually go to these art shows (figuring out not only print costs but software and framing and matting and the shows themselves). no wonder my head is spinning. am also im-ing with kurt about all the craziness. I am so bad at focusing on one thing at a time. maybe that’s a good thing. maybe not.