starting small

i get overwhelmed easily. at least it seems that way lately. i have so much going on - and each piece pushing me way outside my comfort zone and into uncharted territory. and of course i expect myself to simply sail right on through it with ease. and this is where the real issues come up because i'm not sailing through it with ease. it's all very confusing and sometimes disorienting and it feels like i have too much going on at once (which is probably true).

i started rereading chapter seven in tama keives' this time i dance! book since i'm hosting a book group to discuss it on thursday. it always amazes me how i seem to hear exactly what i need to hear exactly when i need to hear it. well, to no real surprise, this chapter is all about allowing yourself to start small and to be a beginner. so many of us rush to be just like whatever master or mentor we admire - beating ourselves up in the meantime for not being that great instantaneously and often times holding ourselves back from even trying. because if we can't be great and one if the best, why do it at all? sound familiar?

well, as i'm sitting here feeling all overwhelmed because i'm about 10 years behind on the latest website development software and skills, and 10 years feeling more like 1000 years due to the tremendous changes and advances made each and every minute (it seems), i'm realizing that there's very good reasons for my feeling totally inadequate. after all, i'm using software that's almost 10 years old, trying to perform up the latest technological standards (which i'm quickly finding is nearly impossible unless i want to handcode everything, and that also being in a whole new language that i've yet to learn). it's like trying to ride a bicycle in the indie 500. and win. nearly impossible. and very very frustrating.

i'm starting to come to the realization that it's not me that's defective (or inadequate or whatever) but my tools and probably my skill level at this point. i've always been one to learn as go, having self-taught myself on so many things including web design (in the mid-90s) and graphic design and photography. i'm realizing that i need to relax (priority number one!!) and let myself start from square one. let myself be the beginner at this since so much has changed. and let it be ok to be where i am right now.