have recently been turned onto the retro active music channel on rcn and am loving it. this is not a love song by p.i.l. (public image limited for those of you who don't know) is playing. haven't heard this song in ages. takes me right back to me early 20s when i used to go to the local coffee house (named rabbles) at 3 am with my indian print journal and write for hours, my trusty espresso at my side, feeling like i could conquer anything and that all my dreams were attainable - that it was more a matter of when then a matter of how.

and here i sit some 15 years later (my god!) wondering when the when will show up.

and i'm still scribbling in my journal - a purple chinese print one these days - trying to figure it all out. my musings have turned more towards trying to figure things out (the how) than the actual dreams (the what). i'm pretty clear about what i want - although it does seem to be constantly changing in front of me like the sky after a violent storm. never the same thing twice. yet i get all caught up on how am i going to do that. and that's where i stall out.

gone are the days of hopping in my little white vw rabbit, sun roof popped, modern english blaring from the speakers, not a real care in the world, the whole world wide open before me and me behind the wheel, happy to be driving, happy to be out in the world. happy to be moving forward. happy to be exploring. happy to be discovering something new. i never got tangled up in the how.

i do feel like i'm recapturing that part of myself - the explorer girl who only looks forward, through the mist and fog, headlights on, happy to be moving at all, excited about where she's going even though she has no idea where that may end up being. and i'm excited about it. a whole new way of being.

how is it that we so easily lose sight of the joy of not knowing?

i'm in the process of redesigning my personal website. is such a process. there are so many ways to take it. i'm trying to remain loose with it and simply play. see what emerges. and go with it.

(if interested, i put the new front page out there. it doesn't match the rest of the site yet but it soon will. or it may all change. who knows. but if you want to check it out, go to www.laurakinker.com and let me know what you think.)

had a great conversation with jon ellis. started out talking in circles (as I usually do) about my career and trying to figure it all out and my fear of getting stuck doing only one thing. he listened patiently, giving me a bit of feedback here and there, trying to show me how my logic doesn’t really make that much sense. but around and around I continued to go until I really saw the real issue blazened before me: I don’t believe I can make money doing what I love. there it is. I can see it making some money but not real, I could live on it money. and since I hold this belief, I also believe that I must do something else (that I don’t necessarily want to do) in order to make real money. and my real fear is getting trapped doing the something else in order to keep making money that I won’t have any time or energy left to do what I really love.

today helped unravel that a bit.

jon ellis commented on how my true energy is very visual and great with asthetics and very creative. he felt a lot of energy around this – even more powerful energy than what he felt around writing. he always felt a lot of energy around writing, probably since I am creative, but he never felt that was it – the “real” thing I’m meant to be doing. my real calling. and he also commented on how he didn’t feel like I was ready to receive it until now. but now I’m ready. I’m strong enough and receptive.

it's so interesting how it has seemed to emerge out of nothing.

while talking with jon, I realized even more how much I love photography. not only was it there for me and very therapuetic during my intense times of grief, it always seems to bring me joy and happiness. I really play when I’m shooting. it puts me right into the moment and melts away everything else. it helps me to focus and concentrate and to see the world in such a different way. photography has never let me down. it has never frustrated me or beaten me up or left me feeling bad about myself.

writing, on the other hand, frustrates me. I write a lot and have always considered myself a writer – ever since I was acknowledged for my writing talent in grade school. but despite all the effort and dedication I’ve put into writing during the years, including college courses, after college classes, writing two books, writing countless articles, writing daily in my journal, it continues to frustrate me. I don’t feel like I’m as good as I could be (or should be) and I continuously beat myself up over it. when I’m journaling, thank goodness, I don’t. I just let it flow. and that’s how I see writing now – more as a tool to help release inner thoughts and less as a career or a livelihood. and that’s fine with me. it takes the frustration out of it.

but photography makes me shine.

so i’ve decided to make photography my main focus for now. to fully invest in it. to see where it can take me. to put a lot of my energy into it. to focus on taking more pictures and printing more of my work and possibly displaying them around in local shops and taking them to different art fairs throughout chicago and maybe into michigan and wisconsin. really have fun with it. because that’s how I see photography – as fun. and who says you can’t make money doing what you love?

i probably don't need to tell you but sugar is bad. in fact, it's beyond bad and is on the verge of evil.

my husband told me that a long time ago people used to call sugar "crack" because, basically, it was thought of as a drug. no kidding. i wish people would realize that today! i am certainly addicted.

as you may know, if you started reading at the beginning of my blog, i tried going raw for a week - which means all veggies, fruits, nuts, and a little oil and nothing else. no sugar. no processed foods. no cooked anything. and no meat. i managed to do it for almost five full days before caving to mexican and chilean sea bass (it was worth it). except since then i've slid into this scary place of eating everything i can and a new philosophy of more is better. and i'm dragging. it's got me so weighed down (more ways than one!) that i can barely keep my eyes open. sure, it's after 10 PM on a school night but i've been dragging for days with a sugar hangover. and i never really considered myself a binge eater - although i'm sure i've had my moments - but lately i've been inhaling sugar-filled products (ice cream, cookies, cakes, you name it) like my life depended on it. i'm a true sugar addict and it's scaring me.

the trouble with being at this point, like i'm sure is true with any addiction (although i'm not claiming this is any way on the same level as others), that it's difficult to pull yourself out of it. the more sugar i consume, the more i want. my body screams for it. and the more i eat, the worse i feel. although for one or two blissful moments after ingesting those sugary delights i'm happy. but then it all goes downhill from there.

i think what happened is that i went a bit extreme with the raw foods - going 100% cold turkey with little warning to my body and very little warm up - that i naturally swung to the other extreme once i let myself go. and now i feel stuck there.

honestly, i didn't intend this blog to be about food - what i'm eating, what i'm not eating, blah blah blah - but instead about my journey towards releasing my inner artist. somehow all this eating must have something to do with it.

i have recognized that i eat sweets to suppress (or bury) emotions. i think doing all this deep inner work is bringing out a lot of old (and recent) feelings that i'd rather not deal with. so i stuff them down with sugar. although that really doesn't help - i do feel a bit zoned out but not in a good way - and i'm sure all those emotions will continue to resurface until they make themselves heard. isn't it funny how we behave sometimes?

i wish i could say here and now that i will recommit to eating raw starting tomorrow but i don't feel ready to do that. i have continued with my morning green smoothies (very yum) except the difference now is that i'll follow it up with a fortune cookie or two (not good). if i could just cut out the sweets (and processed foods), i think i'd be doing pretty well. sometimes i think it's easier to be extreme. at least for the five days of raw there was no question as to what to eat and what not to eat. it was easier. and i knew i'd lose weight (which i did a little but have more than gained it back since) without much thought.

truth is i feel sloppy right now. sloppy with my eating (it's all over the place), sloppy with my finances (it's been a crazy month), and sloppy with my career (i don't know really what direction i'm headed with that). in a way, i feel unglued. very much all over the place. when i do focus, i do ok. but it doesn't seem to last. once i'm focused for a while, i get restless or distracted and i'm suddenly unfocused.

i'm not looking for solutions - just putting this out there and seeing if you can relate. if you can, i'd love to hear from you. if you can't, i am very happy for you.

it is so interesting to me how i start out trying to figure everything out to only come to the realization that i can't figure everything out and that i shouldn't be even trying to figure everything out. it's perplexing.

i am a thinker. actually, i am an over-thinker. i like to figure things out. however, on this journey called life, and particularly over the past three years (since my mom died) and over the past few months, i'm quickly discovering the grace of letting go.

for a very long time i've gotten caught up in the world of "shoulds." i felt i should be making money. i felt i should get a real 9 to 5 job. i felt i should be working on building my business - and all that goes with it.

over the past year, i've been working over 40 hour weeks doing what i felt i should be doing to be successful, to succeed and to fill this void in my life, this inner yearning. yet no matter what i did, nothing seemed to work out. in fact, the harder i tried, and the more i focused on the shoulds, the less i felt i accomplished and the more frustrated i became. it felt like no matter what i did, i was getting no where. i felt like i was spinning my wheels, doing all that work in vein, and like i kept circling around the beginning (or even earlier than that) with nothing to show for my journey.

i was brought up to be an acheiver. goals were vital for my existance. having a plan and a road map and a clear idea of the outcome were essential. muddling around in the fog and the muck with no clear intentions or understanding of where i was going (or even where i've been) were very disorienting for me. i didn't like it. and i wanted to get out of there as quickly as i could.

lately i've been embracing a new approach to life and a new way of dealing with all my shoulds. i have started to listen more to what i want to do (with my life, with my day, with my career) while trying to calm the guilt that's inevitably cropped up. it's still a confusing time however i feel like i'm being surrounded by a lot to support this new way of thinking. i've always been fascinated by how whatever you need to learn or whatever you need to hear comes to you at exactly the right time.

i've been conducting a book group for tama kieves' amazing book this time i dance over the past month. and even though i read the book a few months ago, rereading it with my group has put me in exactly the right chapters at exactly the right time.

in chapter five (the chapter we discussed last thursday), tama talks about how you have to go through a period of undoing (of your old life and old identity) before you can fully embrace your new (or really your true) self. and during this period of undoing she stresses how important it is to give yourself space and time and to not to try to be productive. it's so easy to want to jump from one thing (usually a job in this case) to another with little or no thought to what it all means or what you really want to be doing. it's not an easy thing to do. i know i've been trying to be productive, to try to fill that void of being in the "inbetween" state, with no success. there have been many times when i said to my husband, frustrated by fruitless hours (and months) of work, "you know, i would have been so much happier if i would have just done nothing over these past months, went out and had fun, instead of trying to actually get some work done." ah-ha! little did i know how right i was. and, of course, i had no idea so continued to struggle trying to be productive for many more months to no avail.

however now i'm finally getting it. now i'm starting to see the wisdom of stepping back and letting things unfold.

when i was dating after my divorce, it got to a point where it started to become work. i was searching. and i knew i was searching but i thought this was how it was done. i was on match.com and yahoo personals and talking online and going out to bars and checking out guys constantly and making sure i always looked good when i stepped out my door and flirting whenever i had the chance. i was in full dating mode and determined to find a guy. and, yes, i went on lots of dates. and, yes, there were a few connections however none of them stuck and none of them were worth taking home to meet the parents. it wasn't until one new year's day, after a full night of partying up at my local bar, that i realized that dating was no longer fun. it was work. and it wasn't working. so in that moment i decided to stop dating and focus purely on having fun instead. and an amazing transformation happened. i no longer checked out every cute guy in my field of vision. i no longer worried when i went out whether i would meet "the one." i started to relax and really enjoy my life - and enjoy going out again. and almost exactly a month later (on feb 4) i met my current husband through a mutual friend at the first friday event at the museum of contemporary art, all relaxed and not looking, and actually stressed after a full evening of talking and getting to know each other and a few sparks flying that i was not dating! what was a girl to do? obviously, i let the not-dating rule slide a bit and now we're happily married but i truly believe it was my letting go and allowing myself to relax and be happy that helped to make this union possible.

so how to apply that to my career? i see myself falling into the same traps that i did when i was desperately dating. except now i'm desperately trying to figure out my life and my career.

today at church (unity in chicago - i highly recommend it), i was handed a booklet called day to day into emergence, written by reverend erica trantham, walking us through each of the 40 days of lent - each day with its own message and focus to help with our ultimate emergence at the end. well, like everything else that seems to be in sync with me, so is my church. in fact the whole year at this church is all about emergence - and so happens to be exactly where i feel i am in my life.

i opened up the book and was not too surprised to see the following passage and lesson for tomorrow (week 2 guidance, day 5) entitled follow me. i'm sharing it here because this is exactly what i feel i need to be doing at this point in my life.

• My only obligation to God is to say yes to the dreams and desires that God places in my heart. I hear the call "Follow Me" and I willingly let go of attachments to ideas that could keep me from experiencing the fullness of Grace. Even though I am not sure where the call is leading me, I rest in faith that the will of God does not lead me away from the Grace of God. With peace in my heart, I begin my journey to emergence as I follow the call of the Christ within.

so this is where i am - learning to say yes to dreams and desires, to relax and enjoy my life without trying to figure it out or doing what i feel i should be doing. trying to release myself from the self-imposed guilt and to free myself to truly let my true self emerge.

it all seems so counter to what i want to be doing however i know deep in my soul that this is the best approach. in fact, this is probably the only approach that will truly get me to where i want to be going.

there have been many surprises that have already surfaced during this incredible journey of emergence. first off, my visual self has come out front and center, encouraging me to do more with my photography and to pursue the more visual arts. i've always considered myself a writer and in a lot of ways that label has buried the visual artist trapped within me. but now i'm letting it emerge and stretch itself out and explore and play. and i am very excited to see where it all leads.

ok, i know it's february and everything however why does it seem to be snowing (or at least very cloudy) every day? just looked outside, after reviewing slr digital cameral options with the super bowl on in the background, and saw that it's snowing again. and not some light flurries drifting through the night but what looks like the verge of a blizzard. is very disheartening. all i want to do is see the sun one of these days soon or i'll be forced to go to florida.

well...had an interesting evening after my cooked food indulgence. my stomach rebelled a bit - i won't go into the details - and journaled this morning about the whole experience. (i'm doing morning pages - three handwritten pages each morning - as part of my artist's way class. is a great way to purge your thoughts first thing in the morning. and i don't do them on here since they're supposed to be very private and i prefer handwriting them out.) discovered that i don't want to do 100% raw. at least not right now. i still enjoy cooked foods and don't want to close that door completely at the moment. but i did wake up this morning and noticed how much clearer and smoother my skin looks, particularly my face. the little blemishes that have been hanging around forever are healing and even my little wrinkles seem much less noticable. so i know this raw food eating is doing something i like! and i am feeling better overall - less weighed down. and i do enjoy eating fresh foods. so had my green smoothie this morning and intend to keep eating at least 80% raw foods and see how it goes. i want to be able to go out to dinner occassionaly and not worry so much about what i'm eating. of course staying away from fried foods and even dairy (something i know upsets my system). but other than that, i want to feel "normal" and able to eat what i want when i want it. a small part of me feels like i'm caving to my old ways but another part, a stronger part, feels like i'm really figuring out what works best for me. and maybe someday i'll decide to be 100% raw, or my lifestyle will start to shift that way naturally. i feel like the more i eat raw, the more i'll want to continue eating raw and the more cooked foods will start to become unappealing to me. like last night, i did not want fried or fatty foods. i still wanted something relatively fresh. kurt and i ended up going to ole ole and splitting the most amazing chilean sea bass - very light and fresh but, of course, cooked. and i do not regret it.

after being good all week, i caved. i ate cooked food.

when kurt came home from work, i was starving and pacing the kitchen with no ideas of what to eat. am not sure why but all of a sudden i didn't want fruits or veggies but i wanted "real" food. all of a sudden i felt deprived of all the pleasures in life - cooked food and reading. i think it was too much at once.

being the sweet man that he is, my husband took me out to dinner - anywhere i wanted. i didn't want to be "too bad" and scarf down a burger with fries. but i was definitely starving and looking for more than a chicken salad. we ended up at ole ole, which happens to be at the end of our street on clark (how convenient). we started out going to m henry, a cute little cafe i went to lunch at yesterday, but it was closed for dinner. turns out it's only a breakfast/lunch kind of place. so we trekked back to ole ole and, wow, it was amazing. we ordered guac and chips (semi raw!) and then calamari (pan fried but not deep fried) to start. then we split the most amazing chilean sea bass i'd ever had. wow. it was sensational. so tender yet spiced just right. we will definitely go back.

the whole time i kept asking kurt, "is this bad? am i being bad? what have i done?" and finally he told me to stop beating myself up, that i'm fine, and that i'm finding my balance. i need to look at it that way. it's not like i intended to be 100% raw 100% of the time. i wanted to try it for a week and i think doing it five days straight without deviating is pretty darn good. but i am feeling slightly guilty for caving before the weekend even got started.

my plan at the moment is to be at least 50% raw (what even the raw foodists admit to giving you a lot of the same benefits as being 100% raw) and balancing out the rest with good food that makes me feel healthy. really finding the balance. i think that's what is most important.

ok...since i can't read all day today, like i might have done if i weren't sworn to a week long reading deprivation, i've been playing with my photography instead. i researched matting options (and found a great wholesaler online) and discovered some of the core sizes i want to print. i also resorted through the photos i pulled yesterday and narrowed down my collection to 39 - although i may pop another one over to make it an even 40. from that selection i narrowed it down even further to my top six (thanks to advice found on http://www.redimat.com/, my new best friend) which i'm showcasing here.

i'd love your feedback, although since my little creative artist self is still budding, please limit it to positive and encouraging words right now.

went outside this morning, actually thinking i was going swimming (at the local indoor pool), and was surprised to step out into more than 10 inches of snow. i knew it had been snowing nonstop since sometime early yesterday (and it's still snowing!!) but i had no idea it'd be so much. from up here, on the third floor, it doesn't look all that bad.

i walked out to the car, which happens to be right in front of our building, threw my duffle bag inside, started it up, and started clearing it off with full intention of still trying to go to the pool. as i was clearing, shuffling around in near calf deep snow, i realized that not one car on my block had even been attempted to be cleared or had moved an inch. usually by the time i leave for swimming at about 8 am, the streets are pretty much clear of cars because everyone has left for work. it started to sink in - everyone has stayed home today. it just isn't fit to drive in, especially if you don't have to. i finished clearing the car realizing that i wasn't going anywhere. if anything i'll walk around the block a few times to burn some calories. am sure it'll be beautiful and tranquil - that certain quiet the city gets whenever it snows.

after coming back upstairs and peeling off my soaked jeans - i did wear boots but had my jeans out over them - i realized that i should probably cancel my volunteer interview at the botanical gardens. silly me had scheduled it yesterday for today at noon, not thinking that it'd be this bad. i really hate canceling plans. even though the gardens are a good 45 minutes away from here on a good clear driving day, it'd probably be more like three plus hours today. i called and left a voice mail, explaining that it'd be better to reschedule. shortly after the lady called me back and told me that there was no way she would have expected me to come out and that she had wanted to call me last night to reschedule but didn't have my number with her. i felt slightly relieved and we had a good laugh and rescheduled for sometime next week, but i still have that little inner nagging voice saying "you should have figured out a way to make it happen." plus i'm sure the gardens are looking absolutely beautiful right now.

on any other week this is the kind of day where i'd throw on some comfy clothes (which i do have on) and curl up on the sofa with some hot tea and a good book. but, damn it, i am not supposed to be reading this week!!!! so that leaves this whole wintery day laid out before me with no real plans or ideas other than to stare out into the snow and write. a lot.

i did go through all of my photos last night, pulling out all the ones i deemed to have artistic quality and worthy of printing larger than an 8 x 10. the only probably is that many of my earlier shots, which also happen to be the really good ones, weren't shot at the highest resolution so i'm not sure how they'll do being really blown up. guess i'll have to try one and see. i'm not sure how large i want to try to get them. i think i'll need to look at frame and matting options to figure out what would make the most sense for me right now. maybe peek at other photographers and get a sense of normal sizes. i'd love to put together a portfolio as well. even a few photo books. i am so behind on printing out my personal photos. like over a YEAR behind! not good.

well - that does sound like a plan. a day of photos. preparing my portfolio, figuring out printing sizes, maybe finding a great place (online) to buy mattes and other related items. looking at possible photo outlets - like galleries, art fairs, etc., where i can showcase my work. really put it all in action.

i've been wanting to redesign my websites but am feeling like the photo stuff needs to come first. will just go with it and see what happens.

wow...not reading is really forcing me to do my "real" work. i have to admit that i fell victim to the tv yet again last night - felt somehow that i needed it - but besides watching my very addicted to show this morning at 10 (gilmore girls, if you must know), i plan to keep the tv off for the whole day!!