i am a thinker. actually, i am an over-thinker. i like to figure things out. however, on this journey called life, and particularly over the past three years (since my mom died) and over the past few months, i'm quickly discovering the grace of letting go.
for a very long time i've gotten caught up in the world of "shoulds." i felt i should be making money. i felt i should get a real 9 to 5 job. i felt i should be working on building my business - and all that goes with it.
over the past year, i've been working over 40 hour weeks doing what i felt i should be doing to be successful, to succeed and to fill this void in my life, this inner yearning. yet no matter what i did, nothing seemed to work out. in fact, the harder i tried, and the more i focused on the shoulds, the less i felt i accomplished and the more frustrated i became. it felt like no matter what i did, i was getting no where. i felt like i was spinning my wheels, doing all that work in vein, and like i kept circling around the beginning (or even earlier than that) with nothing to show for my journey.
i was brought up to be an acheiver. goals were vital for my existance. having a plan and a road map and a clear idea of the outcome were essential. muddling around in the fog and the muck with no clear intentions or understanding of where i was going (or even where i've been) were very disorienting for me. i didn't like it. and i wanted to get out of there as quickly as i could.
lately i've been embracing a new approach to life and a new way of dealing with all my shoulds. i have started to listen more to what i want to do (with my life, with my day, with my career) while trying to calm the guilt that's inevitably cropped up. it's still a confusing time however i feel like i'm being surrounded by a lot to support this new way of thinking. i've always been fascinated by how whatever you need to learn or whatever you need to hear comes to you at exactly the right time.
i've been conducting a book group for tama kieves' amazing book this time i dance over the past month. and even though i read the book a few months ago, rereading it with my group has put me in exactly the right chapters at exactly the right time.
in chapter five (the chapter we discussed last thursday), tama talks about how you have to go through a period of undoing (of your old life and old identity) before you can fully embrace your new (or really your true) self. and during this period of undoing she stresses how important it is to give yourself space and time and to not to try to be productive. it's so easy to want to jump from one thing (usually a job in this case) to another with little or no thought to what it all means or what you really want to be doing. it's not an easy thing to do. i know i've been trying to be productive, to try to fill that void of being in the "inbetween" state, with no success. there have been many times when i said to my husband, frustrated by fruitless hours (and months) of work, "you know, i would have been so much happier if i would have just done nothing over these past months, went out and had fun, instead of trying to actually get some work done." ah-ha! little did i know how right i was. and, of course, i had no idea so continued to struggle trying to be productive for many more months to no avail.
however now i'm finally getting it. now i'm starting to see the wisdom of stepping back and letting things unfold.
when i was dating after my divorce, it got to a point where it started to become work. i was searching. and i knew i was searching but i thought this was how it was done. i was on match.com and yahoo personals and talking online and going out to bars and checking out guys constantly and making sure i always looked good when i stepped out my door and flirting whenever i had the chance. i was in full dating mode and determined to find a guy. and, yes, i went on lots of dates. and, yes, there were a few connections however none of them stuck and none of them were worth taking home to meet the parents. it wasn't until one new year's day, after a full night of partying up at my local bar, that i realized that dating was no longer fun. it was work. and it wasn't working. so in that moment i decided to stop dating and focus purely on having fun instead. and an amazing transformation happened. i no longer checked out every cute guy in my field of vision. i no longer worried when i went out whether i would meet "the one." i started to relax and really enjoy my life - and enjoy going out again. and almost exactly a month later (on feb 4) i met my current husband through a mutual friend at the first friday event at the museum of contemporary art, all relaxed and not looking, and actually stressed after a full evening of talking and getting to know each other and a few sparks flying that i was not dating! what was a girl to do? obviously, i let the not-dating rule slide a bit and now we're happily married but i truly believe it was my letting go and allowing myself to relax and be happy that helped to make this union possible.
so how to apply that to my career? i see myself falling into the same traps that i did when i was desperately dating. except now i'm desperately trying to figure out my life and my career.
today at church (unity in chicago - i highly recommend it), i was handed a booklet called day to day into emergence, written by reverend erica trantham, walking us through each of the 40 days of lent - each day with its own message and focus to help with our ultimate emergence at the end. well, like everything else that seems to be in sync with me, so is my church. in fact the whole year at this church is all about emergence - and so happens to be exactly where i feel i am in my life.
i opened up the book and was not too surprised to see the following passage and lesson for tomorrow (week 2 guidance, day 5) entitled follow me. i'm sharing it here because this is exactly what i feel i need to be doing at this point in my life.
- My only obligation to God is to say yes to the dreams and desires that God places in my heart. I hear the call "Follow Me" and I willingly let go of attachments to ideas that could keep me from experiencing the fullness of Grace. Even though I am not sure where the call is leading me, I rest in faith that the will of God does not lead me away from the Grace of God. With peace in my heart, I begin my journey to emergence as I follow the call of the Christ within.
it all seems so counter to what i want to be doing however i know deep in my soul that this is the best approach. in fact, this is probably the only approach that will truly get me to where i want to be going.
there have been many surprises that have already surfaced during this incredible journey of emergence. first off, my visual self has come out front and center, encouraging me to do more with my photography and to pursue the more visual arts. i've always considered myself a writer and in a lot of ways that label has buried the visual artist trapped within me. but now i'm letting it emerge and stretch itself out and explore and play. and i am very excited to see where it all leads.
0 comments:
Post a Comment