getting out of circles

had a great conversation with jon ellis. started out talking in circles (as I usually do) about my career and trying to figure it all out and my fear of getting stuck doing only one thing. he listened patiently, giving me a bit of feedback here and there, trying to show me how my logic doesn’t really make that much sense. but around and around I continued to go until I really saw the real issue blazened before me: I don’t believe I can make money doing what I love. there it is. I can see it making some money but not real, I could live on it money. and since I hold this belief, I also believe that I must do something else (that I don’t necessarily want to do) in order to make real money. and my real fear is getting trapped doing the something else in order to keep making money that I won’t have any time or energy left to do what I really love.

today helped unravel that a bit.

jon ellis commented on how my true energy is very visual and great with asthetics and very creative. he felt a lot of energy around this – even more powerful energy than what he felt around writing. he always felt a lot of energy around writing, probably since I am creative, but he never felt that was it – the “real” thing I’m meant to be doing. my real calling. and he also commented on how he didn’t feel like I was ready to receive it until now. but now I’m ready. I’m strong enough and receptive.

it's so interesting how it has seemed to emerge out of nothing.

while talking with jon, I realized even more how much I love photography. not only was it there for me and very therapuetic during my intense times of grief, it always seems to bring me joy and happiness. I really play when I’m shooting. it puts me right into the moment and melts away everything else. it helps me to focus and concentrate and to see the world in such a different way. photography has never let me down. it has never frustrated me or beaten me up or left me feeling bad about myself.

writing, on the other hand, frustrates me. I write a lot and have always considered myself a writer – ever since I was acknowledged for my writing talent in grade school. but despite all the effort and dedication I’ve put into writing during the years, including college courses, after college classes, writing two books, writing countless articles, writing daily in my journal, it continues to frustrate me. I don’t feel like I’m as good as I could be (or should be) and I continuously beat myself up over it. when I’m journaling, thank goodness, I don’t. I just let it flow. and that’s how I see writing now – more as a tool to help release inner thoughts and less as a career or a livelihood. and that’s fine with me. it takes the frustration out of it.

but photography makes me shine.

so i’ve decided to make photography my main focus for now. to fully invest in it. to see where it can take me. to put a lot of my energy into it. to focus on taking more pictures and printing more of my work and possibly displaying them around in local shops and taking them to different art fairs throughout chicago and maybe into michigan and wisconsin. really have fun with it. because that’s how I see photography – as fun. and who says you can’t make money doing what you love?