this is not a love song

have recently been turned onto the retro active music channel on rcn and am loving it. this is not a love song by p.i.l. (public image limited for those of you who don't know) is playing. haven't heard this song in ages. takes me right back to me early 20s when i used to go to the local coffee house (named rabbles) at 3 am with my indian print journal and write for hours, my trusty espresso at my side, feeling like i could conquer anything and that all my dreams were attainable - that it was more a matter of when then a matter of how.

and here i sit some 15 years later (my god!) wondering when the when will show up.

and i'm still scribbling in my journal - a purple chinese print one these days - trying to figure it all out. my musings have turned more towards trying to figure things out (the how) than the actual dreams (the what). i'm pretty clear about what i want - although it does seem to be constantly changing in front of me like the sky after a violent storm. never the same thing twice. yet i get all caught up on how am i going to do that. and that's where i stall out.

gone are the days of hopping in my little white vw rabbit, sun roof popped, modern english blaring from the speakers, not a real care in the world, the whole world wide open before me and me behind the wheel, happy to be driving, happy to be out in the world. happy to be moving forward. happy to be exploring. happy to be discovering something new. i never got tangled up in the how.

i do feel like i'm recapturing that part of myself - the explorer girl who only looks forward, through the mist and fog, headlights on, happy to be moving at all, excited about where she's going even though she has no idea where that may end up being. and i'm excited about it. a whole new way of being.

how is it that we so easily lose sight of the joy of not knowing?

i'm in the process of redesigning my personal website. is such a process. there are so many ways to take it. i'm trying to remain loose with it and simply play. see what emerges. and go with it.

(if interested, i put the new front page out there. it doesn't match the rest of the site yet but it soon will. or it may all change. who knows. but if you want to check it out, go to www.laurakinker.com and let me know what you think.)