sugar is bad

i probably don't need to tell you but sugar is bad. in fact, it's beyond bad and is on the verge of evil.

my husband told me that a long time ago people used to call sugar "crack" because, basically, it was thought of as a drug. no kidding. i wish people would realize that today! i am certainly addicted.

as you may know, if you started reading at the beginning of my blog, i tried going raw for a week - which means all veggies, fruits, nuts, and a little oil and nothing else. no sugar. no processed foods. no cooked anything. and no meat. i managed to do it for almost five full days before caving to mexican and chilean sea bass (it was worth it). except since then i've slid into this scary place of eating everything i can and a new philosophy of more is better. and i'm dragging. it's got me so weighed down (more ways than one!) that i can barely keep my eyes open. sure, it's after 10 PM on a school night but i've been dragging for days with a sugar hangover. and i never really considered myself a binge eater - although i'm sure i've had my moments - but lately i've been inhaling sugar-filled products (ice cream, cookies, cakes, you name it) like my life depended on it. i'm a true sugar addict and it's scaring me.

the trouble with being at this point, like i'm sure is true with any addiction (although i'm not claiming this is any way on the same level as others), that it's difficult to pull yourself out of it. the more sugar i consume, the more i want. my body screams for it. and the more i eat, the worse i feel. although for one or two blissful moments after ingesting those sugary delights i'm happy. but then it all goes downhill from there.

i think what happened is that i went a bit extreme with the raw foods - going 100% cold turkey with little warning to my body and very little warm up - that i naturally swung to the other extreme once i let myself go. and now i feel stuck there.

honestly, i didn't intend this blog to be about food - what i'm eating, what i'm not eating, blah blah blah - but instead about my journey towards releasing my inner artist. somehow all this eating must have something to do with it.

i have recognized that i eat sweets to suppress (or bury) emotions. i think doing all this deep inner work is bringing out a lot of old (and recent) feelings that i'd rather not deal with. so i stuff them down with sugar. although that really doesn't help - i do feel a bit zoned out but not in a good way - and i'm sure all those emotions will continue to resurface until they make themselves heard. isn't it funny how we behave sometimes?

i wish i could say here and now that i will recommit to eating raw starting tomorrow but i don't feel ready to do that. i have continued with my morning green smoothies (very yum) except the difference now is that i'll follow it up with a fortune cookie or two (not good). if i could just cut out the sweets (and processed foods), i think i'd be doing pretty well. sometimes i think it's easier to be extreme. at least for the five days of raw there was no question as to what to eat and what not to eat. it was easier. and i knew i'd lose weight (which i did a little but have more than gained it back since) without much thought.

truth is i feel sloppy right now. sloppy with my eating (it's all over the place), sloppy with my finances (it's been a crazy month), and sloppy with my career (i don't know really what direction i'm headed with that). in a way, i feel unglued. very much all over the place. when i do focus, i do ok. but it doesn't seem to last. once i'm focused for a while, i get restless or distracted and i'm suddenly unfocused.

i'm not looking for solutions - just putting this out there and seeing if you can relate. if you can, i'd love to hear from you. if you can't, i am very happy for you.